Lemme lemme update ya...lol...

It's funny how things can change sooner than you expect them to do so. In my last post, I was quite sad and confused. This week I am the polar opposite. When I was first going through this break up, I was told to either give it time or give up altogether. I chose to do neither. Well, I'm kinda giving things time, but not from afar.

Like I've said to him and others, it is not every day you have an easy relationship so I'm not giving up on it! We have talked a lot and clarified some things. We're still processing, but I consider us we are back together. Things will continue to progress, albeit at a slower pace.

I look at my initial reactions to this situation and laugh at myself. It could have been so much worse, but I did some rash things that I wish I hadn't. Nothing serious that I'd regret, but just silly stuff like throwing out things that remind me of him. Thankfully, my stubbornness kicked in and I realized I was not willing to just let things end.

One of the good things that has come out of all this is that I was able to see some exes for what they really are: wastes of time. I have always maintained good friendships with guys I have dated. I just don't see the point in losing the good parts of our relationships. As soon as my tears hit the floor, there were a few who swarmed in and tried to take advantage of my emotional state. When I did not give in to these advances and suggestions, they quickly fell off and carried on with their other conquests. It sucks that guys I considered friends would turn out to be so opportunistic. They had their shots with me, it obviously didn't work, so why would I yield to them now?? I gladly dismissed them.

As of right now, I am looking forward to some more travels. I will be heading down to Florida to see my momma and maybe some wonderful ladies from Twitter. Then I will be returning to Texas. Hopefully this trip will be much more enjoyable and have a happy ending.  (I'm pretty sure it will...)

Stuck Somewhere In Between

Can I be transparent with yall? It has been a long week for me. Seven days ago I ventured down to Texas to visit my boyfriend, whom I hadn't seen in over 2 months. Long distance is not the best way to maintain a relationship, but you can't help who you fall for or where they live when it happens. Little did I know that my trip would end abruptly and in heart-break.

This relationship was unlike any other from the door. We met online, but not on a dating site. I was already dating someone else, but knew it was just a matter of time before it ended. So when it did, I let this new online interest know I was available. We did all we could to make up for the distance. Thank God for Skype, BBM and priceline.com! (Okay the last one is an inside joke, but traveling was important.) After our initial in-person meeting, we decided that we definitely had something good that was worth pursuing and committing to. Though he wasn't everything I thought I wanted in a man, he definitely was everything I needed. I was willing to overlook a few little things (distance and physical flaws) in exchange for the bigger things (trust, commitment, passion). And I'm sure he thought the same about me; I'm not perfect by any means.

So for the last few months I've opened up my life and let this man inside. It's amazing the effect that commitment and hope have on one's life. I was walking on sunbeams and sliding down rainbows. Since my divorce I have been known to juggle a handful of guys at the same time, but this man had my undivided attention. And he did it all from 1700 miles away. The simple joy from knowing that someone was thinking of me, missing me, wanting to see me - it made all the difference in my life. It was obvious to everyone that knows me. I would get texts from friends asking when I was moving to Texas and if I was married yet. Of course, we were not anywhere near that level of commitment after only 4 months, but we had discussed the options of dealing with the distance often.

One of the things that was so special about this relationship to me was that we had no problems. (Distance was not a problem, just an obstacle to overcome.) We didn't argue about anything. We didn't have trust issues, though we often joked about our texting habits. And I'm not saying that simply because I was blinded by my feelings for him. We were honest with each other. We didn't let petty things bother us. I often felt inclined to be a girl and fuss about other girls texting him. But why would I bother? I was the one he spent his nights with on Skype. I knew his schedule and that when he wasn't working he was home enjoying his hobbies. He often told me, "it's all about you, babe," and I believed him.

Jumping back to the break-up, let's just say I was shocked. When I think of why my other relationships did not work out, there is always an obvious problem that could not be fixed. Of all the reasons he gave me, there was nothing valid to me (marriage and faith) or impossible to overcome with time (distance and priority). We basically broke up just because. Maybe he has reasons he couldn't tell me. I've wondered if it was something about me or something I did. Or if there was someone else who was more worth the risk. I wondered if he just got scared at how serious we were getting. My brothers and guy friends have given me all kinds of insight, and it basically boiled down to the probability that he was done with me and that was that.

Now I'm stuck somewhere in between falling in love and being broken-hearted. I'm somewhere between holding onto hope and letting it all go. It's tough to be stuck in between waiting to look like a fool and rushing to act like one. I'm in between maintaining communication just in case and deleting him from my life and saving face. I don't know what to do from here. I wish I knew how he is seemingly able to carry on like nothing has happened. Or is he stuck somewhere in between with me? Is he questioning his decision? Does he wish he could take it all back?

Since I left Texas Monday morning, I have been contacted by several of my exes. They all want to see me now that I'm single again. The attention is nice and is distracting me from my heart ache, but I'm not interested. So I will just sit here, stuck somewhere in between reality and a dream, between faith and fear, between getting all I've ever wanted and getting nothing at all.

Love is...

Love is...not a game, though many play it like pros...

Love is...as easy or as complicated as you make it...you choose how it plays out in your life...

Love is...not meant for inanimate objects (food, clothes, money, etc.)...expand your vocabulary...

Love is...a choice that requires an educated mind, an open heart and healed emotions...without these, you are likely dealing with lust or loneliness...

Love is...not for the weak, fake or easily confused...it takes strength, honesty and clarity to get it right...

Love is...just as powerful as those other four-letter words...it's very utterance can stir up all kinds of emotions...

Love is...not to be used as a weapon, or for torture...unless you are casting out fear or the torture is consensual...

Love is...often confused with affection and attention...but requires both as evidence...

Love is...not for sale...but many would pay millions for just a taste of it...

Love is...able to make you do things you didn't think you could...and keep you from doing things you have done in the past...

Love is...not possible if you don't believe in it...nor enjoyable if you don't give yourself fully to it...

Love is...everything that is right in the world...and could fix everything that is wrong...

Love is...not able to be fully switched off...if you truly loved them once, you love them still...

Love is...the source, strength, focus, joy, and pursuit of my life...it created, empowers, guides, delights and motivates me...

Have Love, Will Travel...

In yesterday's blog, I looked at how it's a small world here in Delaware because no one seems to leave home. It plagues me that with so much in the world to see, folk would rather keep it local. Delaware is a nice place to live, no doubt, but if I had to choose between living it up here (eating/drinking out, shopping, movies, etc.) and traveling elsewhere, I'd choose the latter every time. I'm a travel junkie. I love the excitement of planning a trip and the anticipation of that day arriving. I enjoy learning the roads or the public transportation routes to get me where I'm trying to go. If I could travel somewhere every month I would be complete!

I traveled a lot this year. Like a LOT. Semi-locally I went to Lancaster and Philly in PA; and Somerset, Hackettstown (pic at right is the road to Hackettstown), Princeton, Lindenwold and Atlantic City in NJ. Those were day trips and were relatively cheap. To get there I either borrowed or rented a car (which required gas & toll money) and had a meal with my sister or friends. Total cost ran between $30 and $100 for each of these travels. That is well worth it to spend time with people that I love.

This was the year of big trips though. I can't remember the last time I flew so often. In May I went to St. Pete, FL with my family for a long Memorial Day weekend (as I mentioned in a previous post). We stayed on the beach, visited with gramma (pic on left) and had a "funeral" for our family dog. I also tossed in a short road trip to have lunch with my friend Stephanie in Orlando at Downtown Disney while I was down there. I believe my mom paid for everything for this trip so my costs were minimal.

In August, I went on a "business trip" to Houston with my boyfriend at the time. He paid for all my expenses to drive his truck home to Philly. I spent the night in Knoxville, TN so that was nice. Later that month I took the train to Alexandria, VA to visit my cousin Johnny for his birthday. My gramma and uncle were flying up as well so it was a nice family weekend. We went to Mt. Vernon which was really interesting (pic on right). I had never met Johnny's wife and kids so I thought it was worth the venture. All I paid for was my train ticket, which was about $100.

My dad's birthday was in September, so I flew to Chicago to spend a long weekend with him, his girlfriend, and my brothers. It was a last minute trip and I hadn't alerted my dad before hand so we didn't do much. He and his gf are fabulous hosts and cooked an amazing dinner on his birthday. My brother and I ventured downtown (pic on left), went to the park, and did some shopping. This trip was almost the most expensive since I paid for everything. I'd say I spent $400.

This next trip was so exciting and so necessary. In October, I decided to fly down to Texas to meet this man from Twitter that I felt was fulfilling all my requirements. This was a great trip because it was action packed. There was so much going on that weekend. We stayed in a really nice hotel (see pic) that was right across from the infamous Alamo. We went to a Spurs game on Halloween and watched my Eagles slaughter the Giants. I had never been to San Antonio and I was greatly impressed by the RiverWalk. I even did some sight-seeing on my own before I left and felt so comfortable walking the streets. Best trip of the year, hands down. I paid for my flight and my cab to the airport so it cost me about $275.

The longest trip of the year was for Thanksgiving. My uncle invited us all to his house in the mountains to celebrate gramma's 75th birthday and turkey day. With mom covering our hotel room, I rented a car (the retarded firetruck) and drove down with my brother. After four+ days in Maggie Valley, NC, my brothers, Crystal and I traveled down to Atlanta for the weekend. We made a stop near Greenville, SC to have lunch with one of my best girlfriends. While in Atlanta I was introduced to being a couchsurfer. Football is important to us all so we went to the Fox Sports Grill (at the advice of my friends on Twitter) to watch the early games. On Monday we went to the largest Aquarium in the world where I stood in awe at the big tank before we headed home. Road trips are always fun but the drive home to NJ then DE was a long one. This trip cost me a pretty penny at about $350.

My last trip was actually a visit from my Texas man. While he was here in December, we went to a Sixers game to see Iverson back in his Philly uniform (see him shooting a FT in pic on right). We also went to Atlantic City to celebrate my girlfriend's birthday. We partied it up at the Tropicana and the Borgata. It was a short weekend, but we had a blast. I paid for the rental car (gas) and breakfast, so this was a cheap trip for me at $150.

Here's the kicker. Most folk won't travel like I do because it costs money. I might have spent about $1700+ all year taking these trips. That might seem a lot to some people, but to me it is a great investment in the relationships I cherish. And I did all this on a minimal income. I'm a student. I haven't worked full time in almost a year. Yes, some of my trips to see family were partially paid for by my mom, but the major ones were not.

I mentioned at the start of this blog that I would rather travel than spend money enjoying life where I live. Think about it. How much do you spend a year locally eating out, going to the movies/clubs/bars, shopping, etc? I hardly ever go out locally. I treat myself from time to time, but most folk go out every weekend. I live in Delaware by myself (no family or close friends nearby). So in order to maintain my relationships, I must travel. It's so worth it.

It's a Small World After All...

I am always amazed at how small this world really is at times. Living in "Dela-where" makes it even smaller. Everyone knows everybody and all their business. You can't hide your dirt here. Everywhere I go, I run into someone I know: at the mall, church, restaurants, or just walking downtown. Maybe its because I know of a lot more people, places and things than most, having gone to UD, been a member at several churches and worked for several companies here. It just astounds me that Delaware is such a small state, that it actually has a small town feel. Any who, here are two quick DE stories:

• Yesterday, my roomie and I went to the main mall in Northern Delaware. It is newly renovated and she hadn't been to see it yet. We were hoping that the Cheesecake Factory was open, but it was not, so we got some lunch at Suki Hana, the best Chinese joint around, and sat in the food court talking. This guy that sat down next to us looked like one of my exes and I mentioned to her that I had the hardest time remembering his full name recently. {This particular ex was actually just a boo (see the Relationship Hierarchy via Blackie Collins) around this time last year. He did something totally appalling in my presence so I did an extreme mental/online deletion of him from my life, hence forgetting his name.} So roomie rattled off her current/recent list of boos and their last names. One of them stood out to me and I asked if she knew if he was related to a lady with the same last name. She wasn't sure, as she had not met his family, so she text him to find out. As we're walking through the mall, they exchange numerous texts concerning this woman I know (and do not care for at all) and whether she is his relative. He wanted to know why I asked and how I know her. Ding! I knew then that they were related. As it turns out, this obnoxious woman I know is actually his mother! LOL I can't take back the negative things I told roomie about her now. SMH...
  

• I used to waitress at Red Robin when I first moved back to Delaware after my divorce. One night I was waiting on a table of regulars that were quite difficult at times with their special requests and pickiness. I was determined to make a good impression and get a good tip, besides one of them was cute and I was single. It was almost closing time, and they were my only table so I had plenty of time to chat them up. The cute one saw me using my cell and asked to see it. At the time I had the Sony Ericcson Walkman and he wanted to see what music I had on there. He proceeded to look through my music and also ventured into my photos. When he saw a certain photo, he asked who it was. I identified it as a pic of my ex-husband and youngest stepson. The look on his face was priceless. He asked his name and I told him. He looked at his brother and they bust out laughing. Now I was paranoid; how could this fine young man know who my ex was?? Well, apparently they went to church together for awhile and this guy not only knew my ex (and his bad habits), but also knew my kids, as well as my nieces and nephews. I was kind of embarrassed because when first meeting someone and trying to make a good impression, I don't really like to associate myself with my ex or his past. But there was no hiding it.
  

When I think of happy "small world" circumstances, I usually find those online. I have made friends all over the country via networking online. The conversations are great as we get to know each other and find out what similarities we can bond over. I have lived in several different states (North Jersey, South Jersey {yes, they are different "states" to us} DE, SC and FL) and have traveled pretty extensively in the States so I can relate with folk from a lot of places. Plus, my interests give me lots to talk about (sports, church, singing, etc.). As I continue to travel and share my life with others, I share their experiences and my world gets even smaller. For instance, my brother is traveling the world right now and I am experiencing things from India, Thailand and other countries through him, thus expanding my horizon.

Though it seems at times that this is a small world, it truly depends on our individual context or experiences. If you never leave the town you grew up in, your world will be incredibly small. Our network of friends multiplies daily as we travel or get involved online, and by our life's end, we could possibly have known several thousand people personally. Several thousand family and friends is nothing compared to the billions of people on the Earth right this second, or the multiple billions that have lived here before us. Yet only God knows them all.

As I was writing this, I remembered something I had seen a few years ago that perfectly portrayed just how small things are. I want to share a video with you that examines the minuteness of this planet (and those of us living here) but also how unique and miraculous each of us are. I was privileged to see Louie Giglio share this live at the Chris Tomlin concert I attended in 2007. It totally blew me away and changed my perspective on life. This video is lengthy, but it is very interesting. If you like Science, you will love this. (Yes, Science and Faith do mix!) Of course, I am already a believer in God, so its sermonic ending didn't bother me. If you're not interested in the "church" part, stop viewing at 26:15...Enjoy!

VIEW VIDEO

The Evolution of Siblings

I am the oldest of the three Sainson kids. My younger brothers have been like my kids at times. I definitely spent a lot of time taking care of them as we were growing up in a divorced home. Chad is only 16 months younger than me, while Trun is 4 years my junior. Growing up, we spent hours playing with our mutual friends and roaming the streets of our hometown. We played years of Little League together. We also shared a love of music: Chad sang with me on the high school choir while he and Trun later formed a rock band. Needless to say we were very close and very much alike.

Immediately after high school (1996) I moved away to Delaware and got married a couple years later (1999), so we lost touch. We saw each other randomly over the years, but not enough to remain close. In the summer of 2006, I left my husband and retreated to Florida where my mom and brothers were living. We were practically strangers at this point. They had no idea what I had been dealing with in my marriage. I had no clue what was going on in their lives either. We spent that summer getting to know one another again. We had our portraits done. We watched several great boxing matches. We had family dinners with mom. They introduced me to "The Dave Chappelle Show". We spent hours talking about our lives and beliefs, arguing like only Sainsons can. It was an awesome reunion.
Since then we have spent a lot more time together, though they went on a tour of America while I moved back to New Jersey. Within a year, Chad came and lived with me. For four months we shared some of the highest highs and lowest lows. We struggled together and we laughed together. But that came to an end when he decided to move to California with Trun. Then they traveled some more , visiting me in NJ, and eventually landed in Chicago with our dad. I went to visit them twice. We all flew to Florida for Memorial Day weekend. We also took a road trip for Thanksgiving to NC and Atlanta for a week. Now Trun is off traveling the world with his girlfriend and Chad is headed back to Florida. He and I spent the last few days together at my place in Delaware watching sports and having more laughs, which prompted me to write this.

I couldn't even begin to recount the stories of our adventures together over the last 3+ years. All I can say is that we laugh until there is no noise coming from our mouths and tears are streaming down my face. We argue til everyone's feelings are hurt. Yet we support and look out for each other to no end. I am so glad that I am not an only child. I can't imagine not having them in my life. Our parents may not have been able to stay together, but there is nothing that could keep us apart. I eagerly await the day we start reproducing mini versions of ourselves.

The Perfect Man for Me...March 07

Repost: Is he out there??
Current mood: contemplative
Category: Romance and Relationships

This is something I posted the day after my divorce papers came in the mail (March 2007). After nearly 3 years of failed attempts, I think I finally found someone I am totally compatible with. My requirements haven't really changed.

Does he believe in God? He should, because I do. And in order to understand, support and guide me, he is going to need to know God pretty well.

Is he good looking? Call it shallow if you want to, but it's quite doubtful that I'll pursue if I don't first find him aesthetically pleasing. I know what I like when I see it. Great smile, piercing eyes, athletic build...

Does he have any kids? I am not opposed to being with someone who already has a child, but only as long as there is no drama with their momma...

How old is he? My range is give or take 5 years.

Can he make me laugh? I need a man who will keep a smile on my face. I love to laugh and have a good time, so a sense of humor is a must.

Does he have a considerable amount of musical inclination? I can sing and listen to music all day and I need someone that can enjoy a good harmony with me. I also am committed to singing for the Lord and need someone who will support me as I do so.

**Is he a sports enthusiast? (This seems like a dumb question, but not all guys are into sports like that.) I grew up in a house of all guys and when I was married had 3 stepsons, so sports have been my life pretty much. I need a man with whom I can enjoy watching boxing, basketball, football or whatever.

Is he capable of a civilized conversation/argument? I'm fully aware that no relationship exists without disagreements and arguments. However, there has to be enough maturity and patience where both sides can be heard and where there's a mutual goal of not arguing about the same thing ever again.

Is he a monogamous freak? I need a man that I can trust with my whole heart that he will stand strong in the face of temptation and won't step out on our relationship. In maintaining faithfulness, I need for the man I'm with to be able to carry himself as nothing less than a man of integrity, honor, and class, but behind closed doors be willing and able to do things we should both be ashamed of in the morning.

Can he stimulate me mentally? You can be the hottest, most fun guy I've ever met in my life, but if you can't carry on a good conversation with me, then I will never see you as more than a good time friend.

Is he a people person? Will I be able to leave him in a room full of people and watch him work the room while I'm off doing what I need to do? This includes friends and family. If you don't make it past my Mom, Dad, and siblings, then you might want to keep stepping.

Is he a peaceful person? I need someone who prefers peace and tranquility as opposed to someone who will just stir up drama to get a rise out of me. I know disagreements are inevitable, but someone who thrives on drama and conflict will quickly receive a pink slip.

Is he goal oriented? Not only do I need a man with a sense of purpose and understanding of what God put him on this planet to do, but also I need a man who has some sort of idea of how he is going to achieve this goal(s). Nothing is worse than a lazy man fumbling through life with no goals and no plan.

Will he want and love me for ME?! I need to know that the man I'm with won't just want me around for what I can do for him, but because he is attracted to the whole me.

Now I may be asking for a lot, but I am completely worth it! And I would do nothing less than the same for him.