Lemme lemme update ya...lol...

It's funny how things can change sooner than you expect them to do so. In my last post, I was quite sad and confused. This week I am the polar opposite. When I was first going through this break up, I was told to either give it time or give up altogether. I chose to do neither. Well, I'm kinda giving things time, but not from afar.

Like I've said to him and others, it is not every day you have an easy relationship so I'm not giving up on it! We have talked a lot and clarified some things. We're still processing, but I consider us we are back together. Things will continue to progress, albeit at a slower pace.

I look at my initial reactions to this situation and laugh at myself. It could have been so much worse, but I did some rash things that I wish I hadn't. Nothing serious that I'd regret, but just silly stuff like throwing out things that remind me of him. Thankfully, my stubbornness kicked in and I realized I was not willing to just let things end.

One of the good things that has come out of all this is that I was able to see some exes for what they really are: wastes of time. I have always maintained good friendships with guys I have dated. I just don't see the point in losing the good parts of our relationships. As soon as my tears hit the floor, there were a few who swarmed in and tried to take advantage of my emotional state. When I did not give in to these advances and suggestions, they quickly fell off and carried on with their other conquests. It sucks that guys I considered friends would turn out to be so opportunistic. They had their shots with me, it obviously didn't work, so why would I yield to them now?? I gladly dismissed them.

As of right now, I am looking forward to some more travels. I will be heading down to Florida to see my momma and maybe some wonderful ladies from Twitter. Then I will be returning to Texas. Hopefully this trip will be much more enjoyable and have a happy ending.  (I'm pretty sure it will...)

Stuck Somewhere In Between

Can I be transparent with yall? It has been a long week for me. Seven days ago I ventured down to Texas to visit my boyfriend, whom I hadn't seen in over 2 months. Long distance is not the best way to maintain a relationship, but you can't help who you fall for or where they live when it happens. Little did I know that my trip would end abruptly and in heart-break.

This relationship was unlike any other from the door. We met online, but not on a dating site. I was already dating someone else, but knew it was just a matter of time before it ended. So when it did, I let this new online interest know I was available. We did all we could to make up for the distance. Thank God for Skype, BBM and priceline.com! (Okay the last one is an inside joke, but traveling was important.) After our initial in-person meeting, we decided that we definitely had something good that was worth pursuing and committing to. Though he wasn't everything I thought I wanted in a man, he definitely was everything I needed. I was willing to overlook a few little things (distance and physical flaws) in exchange for the bigger things (trust, commitment, passion). And I'm sure he thought the same about me; I'm not perfect by any means.

So for the last few months I've opened up my life and let this man inside. It's amazing the effect that commitment and hope have on one's life. I was walking on sunbeams and sliding down rainbows. Since my divorce I have been known to juggle a handful of guys at the same time, but this man had my undivided attention. And he did it all from 1700 miles away. The simple joy from knowing that someone was thinking of me, missing me, wanting to see me - it made all the difference in my life. It was obvious to everyone that knows me. I would get texts from friends asking when I was moving to Texas and if I was married yet. Of course, we were not anywhere near that level of commitment after only 4 months, but we had discussed the options of dealing with the distance often.

One of the things that was so special about this relationship to me was that we had no problems. (Distance was not a problem, just an obstacle to overcome.) We didn't argue about anything. We didn't have trust issues, though we often joked about our texting habits. And I'm not saying that simply because I was blinded by my feelings for him. We were honest with each other. We didn't let petty things bother us. I often felt inclined to be a girl and fuss about other girls texting him. But why would I bother? I was the one he spent his nights with on Skype. I knew his schedule and that when he wasn't working he was home enjoying his hobbies. He often told me, "it's all about you, babe," and I believed him.

Jumping back to the break-up, let's just say I was shocked. When I think of why my other relationships did not work out, there is always an obvious problem that could not be fixed. Of all the reasons he gave me, there was nothing valid to me (marriage and faith) or impossible to overcome with time (distance and priority). We basically broke up just because. Maybe he has reasons he couldn't tell me. I've wondered if it was something about me or something I did. Or if there was someone else who was more worth the risk. I wondered if he just got scared at how serious we were getting. My brothers and guy friends have given me all kinds of insight, and it basically boiled down to the probability that he was done with me and that was that.

Now I'm stuck somewhere in between falling in love and being broken-hearted. I'm somewhere between holding onto hope and letting it all go. It's tough to be stuck in between waiting to look like a fool and rushing to act like one. I'm in between maintaining communication just in case and deleting him from my life and saving face. I don't know what to do from here. I wish I knew how he is seemingly able to carry on like nothing has happened. Or is he stuck somewhere in between with me? Is he questioning his decision? Does he wish he could take it all back?

Since I left Texas Monday morning, I have been contacted by several of my exes. They all want to see me now that I'm single again. The attention is nice and is distracting me from my heart ache, but I'm not interested. So I will just sit here, stuck somewhere in between reality and a dream, between faith and fear, between getting all I've ever wanted and getting nothing at all.

Love is...

Love is...not a game, though many play it like pros...

Love is...as easy or as complicated as you make it...you choose how it plays out in your life...

Love is...not meant for inanimate objects (food, clothes, money, etc.)...expand your vocabulary...

Love is...a choice that requires an educated mind, an open heart and healed emotions...without these, you are likely dealing with lust or loneliness...

Love is...not for the weak, fake or easily confused...it takes strength, honesty and clarity to get it right...

Love is...just as powerful as those other four-letter words...it's very utterance can stir up all kinds of emotions...

Love is...not to be used as a weapon, or for torture...unless you are casting out fear or the torture is consensual...

Love is...often confused with affection and attention...but requires both as evidence...

Love is...not for sale...but many would pay millions for just a taste of it...

Love is...able to make you do things you didn't think you could...and keep you from doing things you have done in the past...

Love is...not possible if you don't believe in it...nor enjoyable if you don't give yourself fully to it...

Love is...everything that is right in the world...and could fix everything that is wrong...

Love is...not able to be fully switched off...if you truly loved them once, you love them still...

Love is...the source, strength, focus, joy, and pursuit of my life...it created, empowers, guides, delights and motivates me...

The Perfect Man for Me...March 07

Repost: Is he out there??
Current mood: contemplative
Category: Romance and Relationships

This is something I posted the day after my divorce papers came in the mail (March 2007). After nearly 3 years of failed attempts, I think I finally found someone I am totally compatible with. My requirements haven't really changed.

Does he believe in God? He should, because I do. And in order to understand, support and guide me, he is going to need to know God pretty well.

Is he good looking? Call it shallow if you want to, but it's quite doubtful that I'll pursue if I don't first find him aesthetically pleasing. I know what I like when I see it. Great smile, piercing eyes, athletic build...

Does he have any kids? I am not opposed to being with someone who already has a child, but only as long as there is no drama with their momma...

How old is he? My range is give or take 5 years.

Can he make me laugh? I need a man who will keep a smile on my face. I love to laugh and have a good time, so a sense of humor is a must.

Does he have a considerable amount of musical inclination? I can sing and listen to music all day and I need someone that can enjoy a good harmony with me. I also am committed to singing for the Lord and need someone who will support me as I do so.

**Is he a sports enthusiast? (This seems like a dumb question, but not all guys are into sports like that.) I grew up in a house of all guys and when I was married had 3 stepsons, so sports have been my life pretty much. I need a man with whom I can enjoy watching boxing, basketball, football or whatever.

Is he capable of a civilized conversation/argument? I'm fully aware that no relationship exists without disagreements and arguments. However, there has to be enough maturity and patience where both sides can be heard and where there's a mutual goal of not arguing about the same thing ever again.

Is he a monogamous freak? I need a man that I can trust with my whole heart that he will stand strong in the face of temptation and won't step out on our relationship. In maintaining faithfulness, I need for the man I'm with to be able to carry himself as nothing less than a man of integrity, honor, and class, but behind closed doors be willing and able to do things we should both be ashamed of in the morning.

Can he stimulate me mentally? You can be the hottest, most fun guy I've ever met in my life, but if you can't carry on a good conversation with me, then I will never see you as more than a good time friend.

Is he a people person? Will I be able to leave him in a room full of people and watch him work the room while I'm off doing what I need to do? This includes friends and family. If you don't make it past my Mom, Dad, and siblings, then you might want to keep stepping.

Is he a peaceful person? I need someone who prefers peace and tranquility as opposed to someone who will just stir up drama to get a rise out of me. I know disagreements are inevitable, but someone who thrives on drama and conflict will quickly receive a pink slip.

Is he goal oriented? Not only do I need a man with a sense of purpose and understanding of what God put him on this planet to do, but also I need a man who has some sort of idea of how he is going to achieve this goal(s). Nothing is worse than a lazy man fumbling through life with no goals and no plan.

Will he want and love me for ME?! I need to know that the man I'm with won't just want me around for what I can do for him, but because he is attracted to the whole me.

Now I may be asking for a lot, but I am completely worth it! And I would do nothing less than the same for him.