Stuck Somewhere In Between

Can I be transparent with yall? It has been a long week for me. Seven days ago I ventured down to Texas to visit my boyfriend, whom I hadn't seen in over 2 months. Long distance is not the best way to maintain a relationship, but you can't help who you fall for or where they live when it happens. Little did I know that my trip would end abruptly and in heart-break.

This relationship was unlike any other from the door. We met online, but not on a dating site. I was already dating someone else, but knew it was just a matter of time before it ended. So when it did, I let this new online interest know I was available. We did all we could to make up for the distance. Thank God for Skype, BBM and priceline.com! (Okay the last one is an inside joke, but traveling was important.) After our initial in-person meeting, we decided that we definitely had something good that was worth pursuing and committing to. Though he wasn't everything I thought I wanted in a man, he definitely was everything I needed. I was willing to overlook a few little things (distance and physical flaws) in exchange for the bigger things (trust, commitment, passion). And I'm sure he thought the same about me; I'm not perfect by any means.

So for the last few months I've opened up my life and let this man inside. It's amazing the effect that commitment and hope have on one's life. I was walking on sunbeams and sliding down rainbows. Since my divorce I have been known to juggle a handful of guys at the same time, but this man had my undivided attention. And he did it all from 1700 miles away. The simple joy from knowing that someone was thinking of me, missing me, wanting to see me - it made all the difference in my life. It was obvious to everyone that knows me. I would get texts from friends asking when I was moving to Texas and if I was married yet. Of course, we were not anywhere near that level of commitment after only 4 months, but we had discussed the options of dealing with the distance often.

One of the things that was so special about this relationship to me was that we had no problems. (Distance was not a problem, just an obstacle to overcome.) We didn't argue about anything. We didn't have trust issues, though we often joked about our texting habits. And I'm not saying that simply because I was blinded by my feelings for him. We were honest with each other. We didn't let petty things bother us. I often felt inclined to be a girl and fuss about other girls texting him. But why would I bother? I was the one he spent his nights with on Skype. I knew his schedule and that when he wasn't working he was home enjoying his hobbies. He often told me, "it's all about you, babe," and I believed him.

Jumping back to the break-up, let's just say I was shocked. When I think of why my other relationships did not work out, there is always an obvious problem that could not be fixed. Of all the reasons he gave me, there was nothing valid to me (marriage and faith) or impossible to overcome with time (distance and priority). We basically broke up just because. Maybe he has reasons he couldn't tell me. I've wondered if it was something about me or something I did. Or if there was someone else who was more worth the risk. I wondered if he just got scared at how serious we were getting. My brothers and guy friends have given me all kinds of insight, and it basically boiled down to the probability that he was done with me and that was that.

Now I'm stuck somewhere in between falling in love and being broken-hearted. I'm somewhere between holding onto hope and letting it all go. It's tough to be stuck in between waiting to look like a fool and rushing to act like one. I'm in between maintaining communication just in case and deleting him from my life and saving face. I don't know what to do from here. I wish I knew how he is seemingly able to carry on like nothing has happened. Or is he stuck somewhere in between with me? Is he questioning his decision? Does he wish he could take it all back?

Since I left Texas Monday morning, I have been contacted by several of my exes. They all want to see me now that I'm single again. The attention is nice and is distracting me from my heart ache, but I'm not interested. So I will just sit here, stuck somewhere in between reality and a dream, between faith and fear, between getting all I've ever wanted and getting nothing at all.