Election Day Woes

So today is Election Day in America. I am 32 years old and have never voted. Ever. Apparently I am the reason that Bush won a second term. If I had only voted, we would not have had to endure his idiocracy. Yeah I made that up.

I'm feeling kind of ehh about not voting now. I've registered before. But the one time I actually was going to vote (2000), I got caught up playing mommy and wife and didn't make it in time. Needless to say, it was never a priority. I've tried to figure out why that is and this is what I think: When I was a kid, my dad and uncle would discuss politics and get into these heated discussions, almost arguments. It used to scare me anytime I heard my dad raise his voice, so I always equated politics with being a bad thing. As a result, I never took the time to do the research I think is necessary to make a good choice. So, on one hand I had bad feelings associated with politics, and on the other, I couldn't make an educated decision if I tried.

Another issue I've had is picking a party. When I did register, it was as an Independent. That was only because I couldn't decide whether I was a donkey or elephant. Apparently Independent is another party all in itself. Why must I pick a party???? Can't I just register and vote however I want?? I grew up in a lower-middle class family, so I agree with a lot of Democratic views. I also became spiritually invested as an adult so I agree with some of the Republican views as well. There seems to be no party that is fully aligned with my beliefs and experience (maybe there is, I really don't know).

Knowing that I would have to thoroughly educate myself before making a decision on who to vote for, I became overwhelmed at the notion. Taking into consideration that all politicians lie and smear their opponents, it just seemed easier to throw my hands up and leave this daunting task to the masses. It is disheartening, however, to know there are folk who voted today strictly Dem or strictly Rep just because it's what they were told to do by their momma or pastor. And how many people voted based on how they want the country to be run and not what would be best for all who live here?

Finally, I get tired of hearing about how many people died for my right to vote. That argument is usually targeted at African Americans, but I know women had to fight for that right as well. And Americans as a whole fought for the right to vote when they won their independence from the British monarchy. I get it. Being a citizen means you get to vote. But I think it also means you have a choice not to vote. If I don't agree with any of the candidates, why would I choose to help elect them? Or should I pick the lesser of two evils just because I have the right? I would think that by electing anyone that I don't think will do a good job makes me just as bad as them. It also encourages them to keep doing what they are, or are not, doing once in office.

Imagine if Americans refused to vote until an honest and legit candidate was put on the ballot....Of course that would never happen. So I will carry on with my non-voting ways and feel good about myself for not adding to the embarrassment that is our government.

Wow

It's been 6+ months since I've blogged here. I tend to disappear from writing when I need to do it the most. Blame Twitter and Tumblr. Shorter posts are more attractive to me lately. I've been through a lot since my last post and really should have processed some of my thoughts and feelings. Having recognized this, I am here now. I will post regularly again. Gotta get ready for the Year In Review. In the meantime, check out my Tumblr and Twitter for what I've been doing.

Hometown Pride

During the trip to Florida for my uncle's funeral I realized something, albeit for the second time: My family (for the most part) loves and is loyal to our hometown sports teams. My uncle had all kinds of Phillies and Eagles paraphernalia around his house. It made me feel all warm inside to know I was a part of this legacy of fans.


What's funny is that I'm not actually from Philly. So how did this happen? My dad was born in Chester. My mom's grandparents lived in a Philly suburb. We actually grew up in South Jersey, about 30 minutes outside of Philly.  Very few of us are left in the hometown vicinity anymore. So now there are Philadelphia fans in Florida, DC, Kentucky, California, Chicago, North Carolina and beyond.

I think we were forced to claim Philly because the Philadelphia area is so small and includes New Jersey and Delaware in it's radius. There are no sports teams in South Jersey and North Jersey (home of the Nets, Devils, Giants & Jets - yeah, I said it!) is just too far away to attend games regularly. They also don't show those games in our viewing area (proving that NJ is actually two different states in one).

I was a team hopper throughout middle and high school. I was a fan of the Bulls, Cowboys, Raiders, Dodgers, and White Sox at one point or another. It wasn't until the Eagles drafted Donovan McNabb that I became a fan of Philadelphia again. One of my friends went to Syracuse and played with McNabb so I felt that was good enough to get my attention. And it's been a ride-or-die relationship ever since. About that same time I decided I was going to support all Philly teams. Allen Iverson was just blowing up with the Sixers so it seemed perfect to me.

Philly teams take a lot of flack for sucking. The Phillies actually became the losingest team in sports history in 2007 by accumulating 10,000 losses. And yet, Philadelphia is the only North American city in which all of its teams (Eagles, Phillies, Flyers and 76ers) from the four major sports leagues have played for their respective championships in one year, 1980. Only the Phillies actually won, though. Thankfully, the Phillies won again in 2008 and returned in 2009 to try for the repeat. Both the Eagles and Sixers have flirted with the championship over the past 11 years.  Yet, no matter how often they get my hopes up, only to dash them in the playoffs, I will always bleed Eagle green.

Bish I will cut you!

I've never been in a physical fight before. I've been pushed, and grabbed up by both arms, even wrestled a bit, but never have hit someone or been hit. I'm afraid of pain. I quit playing softball in high school because they were pitching too fast and I didn't want to risk getting hit with the ball. I played defense in soccer because I was too afraid to play against the other teams' defenses and be slide tackled. I don't like pain. I'm a wuss. I've got no problems admitting that. My weapons of choice are usually logic and sarcasm. But mess with my family and apparently I will snap.

Tonight my family was verbally assaulted by a bitter crackhead (not exaggerating at all) and I have never been closer to throwing a punch. In my family, I have always considered myself a few levels above the rest of my bloodline. I graduated high school (most of them got GED's), I am in college, I've never done drugs and I've never been to jail. I can also handle my liquor and keep my cursing to a minimum. So after my cousin ushered my rowdy aunts in the house to keep ish from going down tonight, no one was more surprised than me when I jumped up and ran out the door after the woman maliciously berating my family.

I was calling the police when a family friend knocked on the door to come inside. As I was closing the door behind him, I heard this bish say something absolutely horrendous about MY mother, who wasn't even there to defend herself. Next thing I know, I'm outside in her face with the cops on the phone. As she continued to spew her hate on us, I continued to talk to the cops, fearing that if I hit her they would hear it and I'd be catching a charge. I swear to God that it was only His grace that kept me. After she finally drove off (before the cops came of course) I was shaking with adrenaline. My mom called to find out what was happening and I tried not to cry. Then the cops arrived and gave us a hearty *Kanye shrug* while telling us that there was nothing they could do.

After it was all over, I couldn't hold it in any more. The tears fell as I was overcome with emotion. I couldn't believe that someone actually provoked me to want to punch stomp cut do some bodily harm to them. Nor could I believe that I jumped so quickly to the defense of my family. I normally sit back and poke fun at how trifling they act at times. No one else can talk bad about them but me though. That may not make sense, but no one else has been there through the good times and bad like I have. Nobody else has earned the right to drop a negative opinion on things they weren't around to witness. This is MY family, bish, I WILL cut you!! (I say that in jest, I do not own any weapons LOL.)

My family is crazy. But they are mine. We love each other. And nothing will ever change that.

RIP Uncle John

T.M.I.

I like to think of myself as an open book. I don't have any qualms about sharing personal stories or information. No, I don't hand out my SSN and birth date to everyone I meet, but I'm pretty open in my opinion. But how open is too open?

If you ask my boyfriend, he will tell you I am crazy, as he is the polar opposite of myself. He shares as little as possible with the general population. And he shares only pertinent facts with his friends. You literally must be in his inner circle to know anything about him. For instance, on Facebook, he won't change his relationship status from single, though we've been together for 5+ months now. He just doesn't want certain folk all up in his personal business. I can respect that. It doesn't make our relationship any less valid.

Check my Facebook and (if you are my friend) you will find that there are a dozen ways to contact me listed, hundreds of pictures, regular status updates and nearly 600 friends. It pretty much represents my whole life. I like to have a good network. I've got friends all across the country, so if I ever need anything from Alaska or Washington DC, I know who to ask. I'm also open on Facebook, because I only add people I'm connected with most of the time. I would say that 90% of my friends on there, I know in real life. The rest are sorority sisters across the country, friends I made on Twitter or family in other countries - all of whom I would love to meet one day.

Recently I had an issue with my personal information getting into the wrong hands. I accepted a friend request from a guy I knew on Twitter. He proceeded to try to add me to his Yahoo IM, Google Talk, foursquare, etc. I only granted the Google Talk request because I rarely use that. He persisted with requests on foursquare and I got fed up. (Foursquare is a cross between a friend-finder, a social city-guide and a game that rewards you for doing interesting things.) I really didn't want this guy knowing my every move. So I deleted and blocked him from every site. He knows I have a boyfriend, so I felt disrespected with his desire to have all access to me. That is reserved for close family/friends and the boyfriend.

Even here in this blog, I get pretty personal and share things that I don't have to. I made sure to ask the man what was OK to share about us so as not to offend or disrespect him. Obviously with that whole break up debacle I went a little overboard, but he understood. He actually enjoys my openness and supports me.

I guess the difference between him and I is that while he limits information, I limit access. There are only a handful of folk that get the all-access, 24-hour pass. I think it's important to be available for certain folk. If I know someone is going through a tough time and may need to talk at random hours, I give them a trial pass. It's part of the counselor in me. But I am aware that I have boundary issues. I'm working on it.

One of the reasons I am so open is because for the duration of my marriage (8 years) I had to live a double life. I couldn't be 100% honest with family and friends about what was going on behind closed doors. The guilt and shame made me very depressed. That is not a place I want to revisit. So, nothing, well very few things, are secret in my life now. I feel like my openness helps others to deal with their personal issues. It's always nice to know you're not struggling through something no one can relate to.

So, with all of the ways to communicate today, how much information is simply T.M.I.??

A place where I can....

I'm finding myself in a precarious place and I think I need to make some changes. My mom called me Sunday morning and I missed her call because I was in another room. So, I call her right back and she says, "Oh I just figured you were in church." Trying to sidestep the guilt trip, I quickly rebuff, "Psshh, nawl I ain't been to church in over a year," like that makes any kind of sense, or is a good thing to say. My mother (a non-church goer herself) decides to crush my pinky toe and asks,  

"Are you and God not friends anymore?"

I continued to sidestep the guilty feelings laughing it off, but inside I was *wall sliding*. I am very aware of my straying away from the church and my reasons are plenty. At first, it was because I did not have transportation to carry me to the church of my choosing. Then, it was my frustration with the churches I was attending and their incessant foolishness. Now, it has become a habit to not even consider going to church at all unless I'm singing with RD. I was not raised in the church, by any means, but for the last dozen years it has been a staple of my life, hence my mother's concern.

I take serious issue with the way churches have been operating. They are so ridiculous ghetto trifling ratchet unbecoming of Christ. I am a firm believer in doing things decently and in order. There have been too many services that I've wanted to literally walk out of shaking my head. It is entirely too hard to find a church that meets all my picky needs. Lemme lay out some of my church must-haves so y'all can understand:

• A great music ministry - choir, worship team, and soloists whose sole job in the church is music (1 Chronicles 9:33). The music ministry is so important. When operating properly it should be like this:

"And all the Levites who were singers--all of those of Asaph, Heman, and Jeduthun, with their sons and kinsmen, arrayed in fine linen, having cymbals, harps, and lyres--stood at the east end of the altar, and with them 120 priests blowing trumpets; And when the trumpeters and singers were joined in unison, making one sound to be heard in praising and thanking the Lord, and when they lifted up their voice with the trumpets and cymbals and other instruments for song and praised the Lord, saying, For He is good, for His mercy and loving-kindness endure forever, then the house of the Lord was filled with a cloud, So that the priests could not stand to minister because of the cloud, for the glory of the Lord filled the house of God." (2 Chronicles 5:12-14 NASB)

• An educated and proven leader - Not someone who feels called and doesn't want to earn a leadership position so they start their own church. 2 Timothy 2:15 says to "study to show yourself approved." If you haven't been properly educated in the faith, how can you educate others? 

• An orderly run service - the focus ought to be on God. Not social activities, not announcements, not celebrating the men/women/children/deacons/mothers. That is not the purpose of church! Do that ish afterward. Print it in the bulletin. Stop wasting my time. Also, I'm all for growing in the gifts of the Spirit. But 1 Corinthians 14 tells you that folk WILL try to make the focus on them and not on God. (An educated leader will not allow such disrespect in the house.)

• Adequate space and decoration - OK so this seems like a non-biblical reason, but I have a pet peeve about the layout of the Temple. God was quite specific when he told the Hebrews how to build the Temple. You gotta have room to operate. I shouldn't have to walk through the band pit to use the bathroom. And as for decoration, some churches go too far with promoting the pastor. I done seen whole wall murals of the pastor and first lady, but can't find any sign of Jesus.

• A booming youth ministry - Kids are distracting. They make too much noise. Take them aside and let them learn about Jesus on their level. Best ones I've seen were at Seeds of Greatness in DE and Cornerstone Community Church in SC. When I say booming, I mean growing. If kids enjoy church, they will stay with it. And they will be the future leaders.

• Diversity - I've been to plenty of churches that are all black or all white. Not bad places, but it is not that hard to blend, y'all!! Shake off the traditional mindset and open yourself up to a new experience. If you are not open to diversity then you aren't really familiar with Jesus and His way of thinking. He welcomes everyone to the table, so if your service is only focused on your cultural preference, step it up!

If all these things are happening, then I am a happy camper. I can get down with this type of ministry. Meanwhile, until I find it, me and Jesus are still homeboys. God knows I love Him more than life. I do need to step up my personal prayer and study life again. No doubt! So, if you see me in the street or on the innanets don't be scurred to check me boo! I need that accountability for real.

Find me online...

I am realizing that I have a serious web presence and I need to put it to good use. Let's network!! Here are all the places you can find me online:

• Twitter - philothea_ks
• Facebook - philothea.ks
• MySpace - philothea_ks (I rarely use this LOL)
• Tumblr - philothea.tumblr.com (I'm new to this one)
• Google - philothea.ks
• www.kakemix.com/jerseygirl (the podcast)
• YouTube - siskim621

 Hit me up and let's take these "innanets" by storm!

Lemme lemme update ya...lol...

It's funny how things can change sooner than you expect them to do so. In my last post, I was quite sad and confused. This week I am the polar opposite. When I was first going through this break up, I was told to either give it time or give up altogether. I chose to do neither. Well, I'm kinda giving things time, but not from afar.

Like I've said to him and others, it is not every day you have an easy relationship so I'm not giving up on it! We have talked a lot and clarified some things. We're still processing, but I consider us we are back together. Things will continue to progress, albeit at a slower pace.

I look at my initial reactions to this situation and laugh at myself. It could have been so much worse, but I did some rash things that I wish I hadn't. Nothing serious that I'd regret, but just silly stuff like throwing out things that remind me of him. Thankfully, my stubbornness kicked in and I realized I was not willing to just let things end.

One of the good things that has come out of all this is that I was able to see some exes for what they really are: wastes of time. I have always maintained good friendships with guys I have dated. I just don't see the point in losing the good parts of our relationships. As soon as my tears hit the floor, there were a few who swarmed in and tried to take advantage of my emotional state. When I did not give in to these advances and suggestions, they quickly fell off and carried on with their other conquests. It sucks that guys I considered friends would turn out to be so opportunistic. They had their shots with me, it obviously didn't work, so why would I yield to them now?? I gladly dismissed them.

As of right now, I am looking forward to some more travels. I will be heading down to Florida to see my momma and maybe some wonderful ladies from Twitter. Then I will be returning to Texas. Hopefully this trip will be much more enjoyable and have a happy ending.  (I'm pretty sure it will...)

Stuck Somewhere In Between

Can I be transparent with yall? It has been a long week for me. Seven days ago I ventured down to Texas to visit my boyfriend, whom I hadn't seen in over 2 months. Long distance is not the best way to maintain a relationship, but you can't help who you fall for or where they live when it happens. Little did I know that my trip would end abruptly and in heart-break.

This relationship was unlike any other from the door. We met online, but not on a dating site. I was already dating someone else, but knew it was just a matter of time before it ended. So when it did, I let this new online interest know I was available. We did all we could to make up for the distance. Thank God for Skype, BBM and priceline.com! (Okay the last one is an inside joke, but traveling was important.) After our initial in-person meeting, we decided that we definitely had something good that was worth pursuing and committing to. Though he wasn't everything I thought I wanted in a man, he definitely was everything I needed. I was willing to overlook a few little things (distance and physical flaws) in exchange for the bigger things (trust, commitment, passion). And I'm sure he thought the same about me; I'm not perfect by any means.

So for the last few months I've opened up my life and let this man inside. It's amazing the effect that commitment and hope have on one's life. I was walking on sunbeams and sliding down rainbows. Since my divorce I have been known to juggle a handful of guys at the same time, but this man had my undivided attention. And he did it all from 1700 miles away. The simple joy from knowing that someone was thinking of me, missing me, wanting to see me - it made all the difference in my life. It was obvious to everyone that knows me. I would get texts from friends asking when I was moving to Texas and if I was married yet. Of course, we were not anywhere near that level of commitment after only 4 months, but we had discussed the options of dealing with the distance often.

One of the things that was so special about this relationship to me was that we had no problems. (Distance was not a problem, just an obstacle to overcome.) We didn't argue about anything. We didn't have trust issues, though we often joked about our texting habits. And I'm not saying that simply because I was blinded by my feelings for him. We were honest with each other. We didn't let petty things bother us. I often felt inclined to be a girl and fuss about other girls texting him. But why would I bother? I was the one he spent his nights with on Skype. I knew his schedule and that when he wasn't working he was home enjoying his hobbies. He often told me, "it's all about you, babe," and I believed him.

Jumping back to the break-up, let's just say I was shocked. When I think of why my other relationships did not work out, there is always an obvious problem that could not be fixed. Of all the reasons he gave me, there was nothing valid to me (marriage and faith) or impossible to overcome with time (distance and priority). We basically broke up just because. Maybe he has reasons he couldn't tell me. I've wondered if it was something about me or something I did. Or if there was someone else who was more worth the risk. I wondered if he just got scared at how serious we were getting. My brothers and guy friends have given me all kinds of insight, and it basically boiled down to the probability that he was done with me and that was that.

Now I'm stuck somewhere in between falling in love and being broken-hearted. I'm somewhere between holding onto hope and letting it all go. It's tough to be stuck in between waiting to look like a fool and rushing to act like one. I'm in between maintaining communication just in case and deleting him from my life and saving face. I don't know what to do from here. I wish I knew how he is seemingly able to carry on like nothing has happened. Or is he stuck somewhere in between with me? Is he questioning his decision? Does he wish he could take it all back?

Since I left Texas Monday morning, I have been contacted by several of my exes. They all want to see me now that I'm single again. The attention is nice and is distracting me from my heart ache, but I'm not interested. So I will just sit here, stuck somewhere in between reality and a dream, between faith and fear, between getting all I've ever wanted and getting nothing at all.

Supporting National Women and Girls HIV/AIDS Awareness Day (NWGHAAD) on March 10th

I am working with a fantabulous woman who is a founder of the Red Pump Project in Chicago. HIV/AIDS thankfully has not affected anyone close to me, but it is an important project nonetheless. I know I can truly thank God that I have not fallen prey to this epidemic myself. I've definitely been put at risk before. So I'm doing my part to support the efforts of my friend to bring awareness to a subject that seems to be forgotten at times. Share this with your fellow bloggers!

What's In a Name?

I've accumulated quite a few nicknames over the years. I think it would be fun to try to identify them and their origin. This will probably give you a little TMI though, so if you don't want to know too much, don't read this LOL.

• Kimmer, Kimber Doodles - these are names my parents and siblings call me.
• Kimbo - I got this one in 3rd or 4th grade because my brother went through a "Rambo" stage where he would dress and act like Rambo at school.
• Fly Girl - no not because I could dance (ie. In Living Color), but because my friend Kelly took a pic of me with my zipper open.
• Sainberg - My high school yearbook advisor called me this. It's a combo of my and my assistant editor's last names.
• Chicken - My best girls in high school and I were driving to a friends house when I saw chickens running around in someone's yard. I stopped the car and yelled out "Chicken!" It stuck.
• Lil Kim - obviously when she came out, I adopted this persona for a few years
• Miss Kim - when I started going to church all the kids called me this. Apparently this is church speak.
• White Woman -my friend Ken called me this when I was the only "white woman" on the gospel choir and at our church.
• Mom - need I say more? This is prolly my fave cuz I definitely earned it. I am proof that you do not have to give birth to be a parent.
• Aunt Kim - my God-kids and nieces and nephews all call me this
• Nyquil - A guy I dated called me this cuz I always put him to sleep.
• Trouble - again, self-explanatory lol
• Sitter - my sister calls me this, prolly cuz it sounds cuter than sister.
• Sweets, Buttercup - A guy I dated called me these cuz I guess I'm sweet.
• Ray Allen - A friend called me this cuz I always come through with the clutch shot
• Kimmie Kim Kim - two guys I dated call me that. No idea why LOL
• Kim Kim Kachew - another creative spin on my name.
• Satan - my brother thinks our last name sounds like this so he calls me by it LOL

This is just off the top of my head. I am pretty sure there are a few I am forgetting. And prolly a few I am not aware of as well LOL.

What are some of your favorite nicknames??

Lord, Make Me Over...

One of the most powerful songs I've experienced (yes, it is an experience) in my spiritual life is Tonex's "Make Me Over". (Click on the link to see the live performance.) It tugs at the heart strings of anyone who recognizes their shortcomings and wants to do better. I have never sung along with him and not cried. He truly has a gift.

However, in a recent article by Kelefa Sanneh for "The New Yorker" Tonex is interviewed and they discuss his admission to being gay. Few were shocked by this clarification on his lifestyle. He has obvious (stereotypical) tendencies that always made me wonder about his preference. Also, homosexuality has become rampant in the church and gospel music industry. This presents a dual issue for me (experience vs beliefs) and leaves me feeling confused.

From my personal experience, I know and love many folk that are gay or lesbian. I don't treat them any differently because of the lifestyle they live or who they choose to love. They are cool in my book. (They also deserve all the legal rights as everyone else in the country. This country was founded on the separation of church and state so the government should stop making laws that violate that principle -- that's another blog in itself.) I have explored my own bi-sexual curiosity before so I understand some of what they are going through.

From my Christian worldview, however, I believe that the Bible is true and there are three specific passages (Leviticus 18, Romans 1 and 1 Corinthians 6) that talk about sexual acts including adultery, incest, and "men laying with men as with a woman" as being sins. These are things we ought not to do as children of God. The latter is not a law or commandment though. As Christians, we are expected to follow the two commandments cited by Jesus in Mark 12:28-31 as they encompass all the previous OT laws/commands. Depending on your personal relationship with God, there may be specific things you should or should not do that would be considered a sin in your life.

I know what it is like to struggle with sexual sin, to live a lifestyle not worthy of your calling. We all fall short of the glory of God, so I dare not judge anyone. However, when you are involved in ministry and church leadership, you need to live the life you preach. The news is riddled with scandalous pastors and leaders having affairs, gambling, doing drugs and molesting children. It makes the church look like a joke. Personally I refuse to be involved in leadership if I am struggling with something so serious. (And by struggle, I mean consistently doing the same thing with no desire to change. I don't mean slipping up two or three times a year.)

In the world of gospel music, talent isn't enough. The premise of this genre is that it is music rendered unto God as an act of praise and/or worship. It is not to be entertaining in the same sense as secular music, but it's purpose is to draw the listener closer to God. To quote my friend Jon,

"It is not like sports or other forms of music, where you can be talented and your musical face be your alter ego. Your life and music or gift have to be one in the same."

Music is often more powerful than the sermon. In Biblical times, the musicians were a part of the Levitical tribe of priests. They were sent out before the soldiers in war. There is power in godly music. (There is similar power in all types of music to stir your emotions.) Between the lyrics and the instruments music connects with your soul on so many levels. I've been singing with gospel choirs for 12+ years now. I can honestly say that gospel music helped me through some of my darkest hours. Whether you are singing or being sung to, the music affects you if you allow God to move.

So, back to the issue at hand. According to my beliefs, homosexuality is a sin similar to adultery and incest. Like any other sin, it can be avoided and overcome. Donnie McClurkin, an even bigger star in gospel music, spoke in November 2009 at the COGIC convention and shared that he was delivered from homosexuality. This caused quite a stir on Twitter and in blogs as folk condemned him for his preaching. But I must agree with him. In my own experience, the more I focus on God and his calling on my life, the less I am distracted by sinful desires.

I do have a point in this blog. I asked my friend Brian to help me identify it and he says,

"you basically said you understand struggle, but when someone makes a choice that they're gonna take on a lifestyle opposite of biblical teachings, they then ought not be in a Christian leadership role because it confuses folk and ain't right for followers."

Yes, that is exactly what I am trying to say. I hope that is clear. I know I am not God and my opinion is only valid to those who know and love me. But I was married to a minister once. When his slip ups became a full-blown struggle and he wanted to continue being a leader, I saw first hand how screwed up that can leave people, including myself. It just doesn't work. No one will ever be 100% perfect, so I advise against waiting until you think you are perfect to pursue your calling. But do be mindful that as a Christian leader you are held to a higher standard by God and by man. If you find fault in anything I've said, pray that the "Lord make me over..."

Love is...

Love is...not a game, though many play it like pros...

Love is...as easy or as complicated as you make it...you choose how it plays out in your life...

Love is...not meant for inanimate objects (food, clothes, money, etc.)...expand your vocabulary...

Love is...a choice that requires an educated mind, an open heart and healed emotions...without these, you are likely dealing with lust or loneliness...

Love is...not for the weak, fake or easily confused...it takes strength, honesty and clarity to get it right...

Love is...just as powerful as those other four-letter words...it's very utterance can stir up all kinds of emotions...

Love is...not to be used as a weapon, or for torture...unless you are casting out fear or the torture is consensual...

Love is...often confused with affection and attention...but requires both as evidence...

Love is...not for sale...but many would pay millions for just a taste of it...

Love is...able to make you do things you didn't think you could...and keep you from doing things you have done in the past...

Love is...not possible if you don't believe in it...nor enjoyable if you don't give yourself fully to it...

Love is...everything that is right in the world...and could fix everything that is wrong...

Love is...not able to be fully switched off...if you truly loved them once, you love them still...

Love is...the source, strength, focus, joy, and pursuit of my life...it created, empowers, guides, delights and motivates me...

Have Love, Will Travel...

In yesterday's blog, I looked at how it's a small world here in Delaware because no one seems to leave home. It plagues me that with so much in the world to see, folk would rather keep it local. Delaware is a nice place to live, no doubt, but if I had to choose between living it up here (eating/drinking out, shopping, movies, etc.) and traveling elsewhere, I'd choose the latter every time. I'm a travel junkie. I love the excitement of planning a trip and the anticipation of that day arriving. I enjoy learning the roads or the public transportation routes to get me where I'm trying to go. If I could travel somewhere every month I would be complete!

I traveled a lot this year. Like a LOT. Semi-locally I went to Lancaster and Philly in PA; and Somerset, Hackettstown (pic at right is the road to Hackettstown), Princeton, Lindenwold and Atlantic City in NJ. Those were day trips and were relatively cheap. To get there I either borrowed or rented a car (which required gas & toll money) and had a meal with my sister or friends. Total cost ran between $30 and $100 for each of these travels. That is well worth it to spend time with people that I love.

This was the year of big trips though. I can't remember the last time I flew so often. In May I went to St. Pete, FL with my family for a long Memorial Day weekend (as I mentioned in a previous post). We stayed on the beach, visited with gramma (pic on left) and had a "funeral" for our family dog. I also tossed in a short road trip to have lunch with my friend Stephanie in Orlando at Downtown Disney while I was down there. I believe my mom paid for everything for this trip so my costs were minimal.

In August, I went on a "business trip" to Houston with my boyfriend at the time. He paid for all my expenses to drive his truck home to Philly. I spent the night in Knoxville, TN so that was nice. Later that month I took the train to Alexandria, VA to visit my cousin Johnny for his birthday. My gramma and uncle were flying up as well so it was a nice family weekend. We went to Mt. Vernon which was really interesting (pic on right). I had never met Johnny's wife and kids so I thought it was worth the venture. All I paid for was my train ticket, which was about $100.

My dad's birthday was in September, so I flew to Chicago to spend a long weekend with him, his girlfriend, and my brothers. It was a last minute trip and I hadn't alerted my dad before hand so we didn't do much. He and his gf are fabulous hosts and cooked an amazing dinner on his birthday. My brother and I ventured downtown (pic on left), went to the park, and did some shopping. This trip was almost the most expensive since I paid for everything. I'd say I spent $400.

This next trip was so exciting and so necessary. In October, I decided to fly down to Texas to meet this man from Twitter that I felt was fulfilling all my requirements. This was a great trip because it was action packed. There was so much going on that weekend. We stayed in a really nice hotel (see pic) that was right across from the infamous Alamo. We went to a Spurs game on Halloween and watched my Eagles slaughter the Giants. I had never been to San Antonio and I was greatly impressed by the RiverWalk. I even did some sight-seeing on my own before I left and felt so comfortable walking the streets. Best trip of the year, hands down. I paid for my flight and my cab to the airport so it cost me about $275.

The longest trip of the year was for Thanksgiving. My uncle invited us all to his house in the mountains to celebrate gramma's 75th birthday and turkey day. With mom covering our hotel room, I rented a car (the retarded firetruck) and drove down with my brother. After four+ days in Maggie Valley, NC, my brothers, Crystal and I traveled down to Atlanta for the weekend. We made a stop near Greenville, SC to have lunch with one of my best girlfriends. While in Atlanta I was introduced to being a couchsurfer. Football is important to us all so we went to the Fox Sports Grill (at the advice of my friends on Twitter) to watch the early games. On Monday we went to the largest Aquarium in the world where I stood in awe at the big tank before we headed home. Road trips are always fun but the drive home to NJ then DE was a long one. This trip cost me a pretty penny at about $350.

My last trip was actually a visit from my Texas man. While he was here in December, we went to a Sixers game to see Iverson back in his Philly uniform (see him shooting a FT in pic on right). We also went to Atlantic City to celebrate my girlfriend's birthday. We partied it up at the Tropicana and the Borgata. It was a short weekend, but we had a blast. I paid for the rental car (gas) and breakfast, so this was a cheap trip for me at $150.

Here's the kicker. Most folk won't travel like I do because it costs money. I might have spent about $1700+ all year taking these trips. That might seem a lot to some people, but to me it is a great investment in the relationships I cherish. And I did all this on a minimal income. I'm a student. I haven't worked full time in almost a year. Yes, some of my trips to see family were partially paid for by my mom, but the major ones were not.

I mentioned at the start of this blog that I would rather travel than spend money enjoying life where I live. Think about it. How much do you spend a year locally eating out, going to the movies/clubs/bars, shopping, etc? I hardly ever go out locally. I treat myself from time to time, but most folk go out every weekend. I live in Delaware by myself (no family or close friends nearby). So in order to maintain my relationships, I must travel. It's so worth it.

It's a Small World After All...

I am always amazed at how small this world really is at times. Living in "Dela-where" makes it even smaller. Everyone knows everybody and all their business. You can't hide your dirt here. Everywhere I go, I run into someone I know: at the mall, church, restaurants, or just walking downtown. Maybe its because I know of a lot more people, places and things than most, having gone to UD, been a member at several churches and worked for several companies here. It just astounds me that Delaware is such a small state, that it actually has a small town feel. Any who, here are two quick DE stories:

• Yesterday, my roomie and I went to the main mall in Northern Delaware. It is newly renovated and she hadn't been to see it yet. We were hoping that the Cheesecake Factory was open, but it was not, so we got some lunch at Suki Hana, the best Chinese joint around, and sat in the food court talking. This guy that sat down next to us looked like one of my exes and I mentioned to her that I had the hardest time remembering his full name recently. {This particular ex was actually just a boo (see the Relationship Hierarchy via Blackie Collins) around this time last year. He did something totally appalling in my presence so I did an extreme mental/online deletion of him from my life, hence forgetting his name.} So roomie rattled off her current/recent list of boos and their last names. One of them stood out to me and I asked if she knew if he was related to a lady with the same last name. She wasn't sure, as she had not met his family, so she text him to find out. As we're walking through the mall, they exchange numerous texts concerning this woman I know (and do not care for at all) and whether she is his relative. He wanted to know why I asked and how I know her. Ding! I knew then that they were related. As it turns out, this obnoxious woman I know is actually his mother! LOL I can't take back the negative things I told roomie about her now. SMH...
  

• I used to waitress at Red Robin when I first moved back to Delaware after my divorce. One night I was waiting on a table of regulars that were quite difficult at times with their special requests and pickiness. I was determined to make a good impression and get a good tip, besides one of them was cute and I was single. It was almost closing time, and they were my only table so I had plenty of time to chat them up. The cute one saw me using my cell and asked to see it. At the time I had the Sony Ericcson Walkman and he wanted to see what music I had on there. He proceeded to look through my music and also ventured into my photos. When he saw a certain photo, he asked who it was. I identified it as a pic of my ex-husband and youngest stepson. The look on his face was priceless. He asked his name and I told him. He looked at his brother and they bust out laughing. Now I was paranoid; how could this fine young man know who my ex was?? Well, apparently they went to church together for awhile and this guy not only knew my ex (and his bad habits), but also knew my kids, as well as my nieces and nephews. I was kind of embarrassed because when first meeting someone and trying to make a good impression, I don't really like to associate myself with my ex or his past. But there was no hiding it.
  

When I think of happy "small world" circumstances, I usually find those online. I have made friends all over the country via networking online. The conversations are great as we get to know each other and find out what similarities we can bond over. I have lived in several different states (North Jersey, South Jersey {yes, they are different "states" to us} DE, SC and FL) and have traveled pretty extensively in the States so I can relate with folk from a lot of places. Plus, my interests give me lots to talk about (sports, church, singing, etc.). As I continue to travel and share my life with others, I share their experiences and my world gets even smaller. For instance, my brother is traveling the world right now and I am experiencing things from India, Thailand and other countries through him, thus expanding my horizon.

Though it seems at times that this is a small world, it truly depends on our individual context or experiences. If you never leave the town you grew up in, your world will be incredibly small. Our network of friends multiplies daily as we travel or get involved online, and by our life's end, we could possibly have known several thousand people personally. Several thousand family and friends is nothing compared to the billions of people on the Earth right this second, or the multiple billions that have lived here before us. Yet only God knows them all.

As I was writing this, I remembered something I had seen a few years ago that perfectly portrayed just how small things are. I want to share a video with you that examines the minuteness of this planet (and those of us living here) but also how unique and miraculous each of us are. I was privileged to see Louie Giglio share this live at the Chris Tomlin concert I attended in 2007. It totally blew me away and changed my perspective on life. This video is lengthy, but it is very interesting. If you like Science, you will love this. (Yes, Science and Faith do mix!) Of course, I am already a believer in God, so its sermonic ending didn't bother me. If you're not interested in the "church" part, stop viewing at 26:15...Enjoy!

VIEW VIDEO

Musical Inclination...You Gots To Have It!

I've been singing since I was old enough to do so. My dad introduced us to music at an early age. For as long as I can remember music was a part of my life. I enjoy listening to it as much as performing it. My taste in music is so diverse...from Country to Rap and everything in between. But the majority of my experience has been with singing in choirs. Shows like "The Sing Off" get me excited.

I was not always a good singer. I've heard on many occasions that I should keep my day job. I was on the choir in middle school. I loved it, so I took choir as a class in high school. Every morning for four years my first class of the day was Select Choir. Our director was the best. Our choir won national awards. We only traveled to nationals every other year, so that other schools had a chance to win. Seriously, it was an amazing experience.

I started off as an alto my freshman year. And I was still not developed as a singer, so I was not too good. By Senior year I was the #3 alto. I even sang a solo at one of our awards dinners: Celine Dion's "Because You Loved Me". I was hella nervous and prolly struggled through a few parts, but I survived. Whenever it's solo time, I hear all the voices of those who told me I could not sing and I get shook. I prefer to sing blended with others rather than solo any day.

After high school, I attended the University of Delaware and joined the Gospel Choir. I had never experienced singing on this level before. It was not as technical as the Concert Choir in high school, but the emotion and energy it took out of me was amazing. Pretty soon I joined a church and their choirs (Adult, Women's and Praise Team) where I was told to stop being a lazy alto and step it up to soprano. I loved being involved with music on this level. It wasn't long before I was directing the choir. I was so into Gospel and Contemporary Christian music that I began hosting my own radio program at the college.

It was through the radio program and my home church that I was introduced to my current choir (Russell Delegation). Back then, they had a hot debut CD out and we were singing their songs at the college and at the church. I wanted to sing with them then, but I had a family to take care of and they were on tour. Their sophomore project "What Would Russel Do?" got rave reviews and made me covet a spot on their roster even more. So when I had the chance in 2007 I joined. We have been working on the next project and hope to have a single ready in time for our anniversary concert coming up in March. (**SN: singing with a professional choir does not make you a professional singer. I will never claim that I am the ish now simply because of who I sing with. It takes work!!)

I don't know where I would be without music. The hardest times in my life, I survived because of music. When someone was going through a bad time, I would make them a mix CD of inspirational songs to make them feel better. I am sure once I finish my Counseling degree and have my own practice, music will be part of my therapy.

I do have a problem with some music though. The current generation is making garbage compared to previous generations. I know I prolly sound like an old head complaining about music, but I can see why that tradition runs deeply. When I was a kid there were several songs that I loved that were mere remakes of ones my parents grew up listening to. And they weren't done any better than the originals. Technology today allows ANYONE to put out an album. You don't even have to be signed to a record label. Don't get me wrong, I've jammed to Lil Wayne (don't judge me!) and sang along with Amerie. But that's only when I listen to the radio. I honestly haven't bought a CD since Dewayne Woods (2007). And even when I do like an artist with skill, I can just find it on Limewire for free.

And it's not only secular music that is suffering; Gospel music can be a mess sometimes too. I might be mean, but I think it's terrible to encourage someone who is butchering a song unto the Lord. The Bible says to make a joyful noise and some folk are just making noise, wanting to be heard.

Sigh...at any rate...music is my life and if you are a part of my life, you are well aware of this fact.

The Evolution of Siblings

I am the oldest of the three Sainson kids. My younger brothers have been like my kids at times. I definitely spent a lot of time taking care of them as we were growing up in a divorced home. Chad is only 16 months younger than me, while Trun is 4 years my junior. Growing up, we spent hours playing with our mutual friends and roaming the streets of our hometown. We played years of Little League together. We also shared a love of music: Chad sang with me on the high school choir while he and Trun later formed a rock band. Needless to say we were very close and very much alike.

Immediately after high school (1996) I moved away to Delaware and got married a couple years later (1999), so we lost touch. We saw each other randomly over the years, but not enough to remain close. In the summer of 2006, I left my husband and retreated to Florida where my mom and brothers were living. We were practically strangers at this point. They had no idea what I had been dealing with in my marriage. I had no clue what was going on in their lives either. We spent that summer getting to know one another again. We had our portraits done. We watched several great boxing matches. We had family dinners with mom. They introduced me to "The Dave Chappelle Show". We spent hours talking about our lives and beliefs, arguing like only Sainsons can. It was an awesome reunion.
Since then we have spent a lot more time together, though they went on a tour of America while I moved back to New Jersey. Within a year, Chad came and lived with me. For four months we shared some of the highest highs and lowest lows. We struggled together and we laughed together. But that came to an end when he decided to move to California with Trun. Then they traveled some more , visiting me in NJ, and eventually landed in Chicago with our dad. I went to visit them twice. We all flew to Florida for Memorial Day weekend. We also took a road trip for Thanksgiving to NC and Atlanta for a week. Now Trun is off traveling the world with his girlfriend and Chad is headed back to Florida. He and I spent the last few days together at my place in Delaware watching sports and having more laughs, which prompted me to write this.

I couldn't even begin to recount the stories of our adventures together over the last 3+ years. All I can say is that we laugh until there is no noise coming from our mouths and tears are streaming down my face. We argue til everyone's feelings are hurt. Yet we support and look out for each other to no end. I am so glad that I am not an only child. I can't imagine not having them in my life. Our parents may not have been able to stay together, but there is nothing that could keep us apart. I eagerly await the day we start reproducing mini versions of ourselves.

It's the Gemini in me...July 09

Back & Forth...the Duality of a Gemini's Brain
Current mood: Gemini
Category: Life

I've been battling with myself lately...i seem to operate in extremes...sometimes I seem downright hypocritical or contradictory to myself...but then I remind myself that I am a Gemini (even if I am on the Cusp)...and Gemini's are known for having dual personalities...so here are some of my thoughts as of late...please do not be offended by my honesty...

At times, I want nothing to do with the church or church folk...don't get me wrong...I love the Lord and His Word...but I get so tired of the drama, politics, ignorance, and foolishness that plagues the houses of God...I haven't been attending church regularly for quite some time because I can't seem to find one that does not irk me...On the other hand, I need the accountability and encouragement of the church as I'm not seeking God on my own...I only pray when asked or when a crisis arises...being single again, I also have no one covering me or leading me...and I lose sight of my purpose at times...so the very thing I need and long for, I avoid because I can't find one that meets all my picky needs...

As fearfully and wonderfully made as I am, I often feel like the ugly duckling...I've never had great self esteem...I've always battled my weight...but at times I can think I am the ish and be seriously shallow...I look at the guys I have dated and n'er has one of them been ugly...I have pulled some fine ones, if I do say so myself lol...so I tell myself, I can't be ugly if I'm attracting these cuties...cuz they are probably shallow too and wouldn't deal with me if I was ugly...lol...but then I question if they aren't drawn to my looks, but rather to my "openness"...then the ugly feelings creep back in...it's a vicious cycle...so I trust that beauty is in the eye of the beholder...

Don't get me started on dating...lol...

The Perfect Man for Me...March 07

Repost: Is he out there??
Current mood: contemplative
Category: Romance and Relationships

This is something I posted the day after my divorce papers came in the mail (March 2007). After nearly 3 years of failed attempts, I think I finally found someone I am totally compatible with. My requirements haven't really changed.

Does he believe in God? He should, because I do. And in order to understand, support and guide me, he is going to need to know God pretty well.

Is he good looking? Call it shallow if you want to, but it's quite doubtful that I'll pursue if I don't first find him aesthetically pleasing. I know what I like when I see it. Great smile, piercing eyes, athletic build...

Does he have any kids? I am not opposed to being with someone who already has a child, but only as long as there is no drama with their momma...

How old is he? My range is give or take 5 years.

Can he make me laugh? I need a man who will keep a smile on my face. I love to laugh and have a good time, so a sense of humor is a must.

Does he have a considerable amount of musical inclination? I can sing and listen to music all day and I need someone that can enjoy a good harmony with me. I also am committed to singing for the Lord and need someone who will support me as I do so.

**Is he a sports enthusiast? (This seems like a dumb question, but not all guys are into sports like that.) I grew up in a house of all guys and when I was married had 3 stepsons, so sports have been my life pretty much. I need a man with whom I can enjoy watching boxing, basketball, football or whatever.

Is he capable of a civilized conversation/argument? I'm fully aware that no relationship exists without disagreements and arguments. However, there has to be enough maturity and patience where both sides can be heard and where there's a mutual goal of not arguing about the same thing ever again.

Is he a monogamous freak? I need a man that I can trust with my whole heart that he will stand strong in the face of temptation and won't step out on our relationship. In maintaining faithfulness, I need for the man I'm with to be able to carry himself as nothing less than a man of integrity, honor, and class, but behind closed doors be willing and able to do things we should both be ashamed of in the morning.

Can he stimulate me mentally? You can be the hottest, most fun guy I've ever met in my life, but if you can't carry on a good conversation with me, then I will never see you as more than a good time friend.

Is he a people person? Will I be able to leave him in a room full of people and watch him work the room while I'm off doing what I need to do? This includes friends and family. If you don't make it past my Mom, Dad, and siblings, then you might want to keep stepping.

Is he a peaceful person? I need someone who prefers peace and tranquility as opposed to someone who will just stir up drama to get a rise out of me. I know disagreements are inevitable, but someone who thrives on drama and conflict will quickly receive a pink slip.

Is he goal oriented? Not only do I need a man with a sense of purpose and understanding of what God put him on this planet to do, but also I need a man who has some sort of idea of how he is going to achieve this goal(s). Nothing is worse than a lazy man fumbling through life with no goals and no plan.

Will he want and love me for ME?! I need to know that the man I'm with won't just want me around for what I can do for him, but because he is attracted to the whole me.

Now I may be asking for a lot, but I am completely worth it! And I would do nothing less than the same for him.

Baptism Anniversary - August 2008

10 years ago...
Current mood: wanted
Category: Life

Wow...it's incredible to me that today is 8/31/08...usually I get sentimental around the 13th for obvious reasons, but today I'm choosing to reflect on something far greater...you see, ten years ago today, I made a decision as a member of Prayer Temple COGIC to be baptized...Yes, I went down in the water...and the water was cold...lol...My mother and youngest brother were there...In fact, my ex was baptized (prolly for the 2nd or 3rd time lol) on the same day...as were my god-kids father and several other members of the church...

Crazy Thoughts - September 08

For my girls who keep it real...
Current mood: enlightened
Category: Religion and Philosophy

Ok, so I was all logged off for the night, when I remembered that I just had to write about something that occurred to me today...I need to show you how very sordid the human mind can be...and what better example than by using my own?

For those of you who know me well, you are aware of 2 things about me...first, I am very open and honest about my shortcomings...it is no secret what I struggle with...second, I am not able to naturally get pregnant (I will need surgery or in vitro when the time is right)...so knowing these 2 things as well as I do, help me to figure out why my brain processes the way it does...

After Election Day 2008

The Lord’s Will
Current mood: blessed
Category: News and Politics

I had a startling thought this morning as I talked to my friend Jason about the election results...He is among those who voted for Obama...and I would have been as well if I had actually had time to vote (beat me up about it later, either way, he still won)...I've seen a lot of reaction to the results in folks' status and mood on here and on facebook...Most of my friends are quite pleased...but there are some...along the conservative Christian line that are utterly disgusted and disappointed...so here is my thought:

Why do we think something is in the Lord's Will only when it is what we wanted to happen???