Tuesday, March 23, 2010

A place where I can....

I'm finding myself in a precarious place and I think I need to make some changes. My mom called me Sunday morning and I missed her call because I was in another room. So, I call her right back and she says, "Oh I just figured you were in church." Trying to sidestep the guilt trip, I quickly rebuff, "Psshh, nawl I ain't been to church in over a year," like that makes any kind of sense, or is a good thing to say. My mother (a non-church goer herself) decides to crush my pinky toe and asks,  
"Are you and God not friends anymore?"
I continued to sidestep the guilty feelings laughing it off, but inside I was *wall sliding*. I am very aware of my straying away from the church and my reasons are plenty. At first, it was because I did not have transportation to carry me to the church of my choosing. Then, it was my frustration with the churches I was attending and their incessant foolishness. Now, it has become a habit to not even consider going to church at all unless I'm singing with RD. I was not raised in the church, by any means, but for the last dozen years it has been a staple of my life, hence my mother's concern.

I take serious issue with the way churches have been operating. They are so ridiculous ghetto trifling ratchet unbecoming of Christ. I am a firm believer in doing things decently and in order. There have been too many services that I've wanted to literally walk out of shaking my head. It is entirely too hard to find a church that meets all my picky needs. Lemme lay out some of my church must-haves so y'all can understand:
  • A great music ministry - choir, worship team, and soloists whose sole job in the church is music (1 Chronicles 9:33). The music ministry is so important. When operating properly it should be like this:
"And all the Levites who were singers--all of those of Asaph, Heman, and Jeduthun, with their sons and kinsmen, arrayed in fine linen, having cymbals, harps, and lyres--stood at the east end of the altar, and with them 120 priests blowing trumpets; And when the trumpeters and singers were joined in unison, making one sound to be heard in praising and thanking the Lord, and when they lifted up their voice with the trumpets and cymbals and other instruments for song and praised the Lord, saying, For He is good, for His mercy and loving-kindness endure forever, then the house of the Lord was filled with a cloud, So that the priests could not stand to minister because of the cloud, for the glory of the Lord filled the house of God." (2 Chronicles 5:12-14 NASB)
  • An educated and proven leader - Not someone who feels called and doesn't want to earn a leadership position so they start their own church. 2 Timothy 2:15 says to "study to show yourself approved." If you haven't been properly educated in the faith, how can you educate others? 

  • An orderly run service - the focus ought to be on God. Not social activities, not announcements, not celebrating the men/women/children/deacons/mothers. That is not the purpose of church! Do that ish afterward. Print it in the bulletin. Stop wasting my time. Also, I'm all for growing in the gifts of the Spirit. But 1 Corinthians 14 tells you that folk WILL try to make the focus on them and not on God. (An educated leader will not allow such disrespect in the house.)
  • Adequate space and decoration - OK so this seems like a non-biblical reason, but I have a pet peeve about the layout of the Temple. God was quite specific when he told the Hebrews how to build the Temple. You gotta have room to operate. I shouldn't have to walk through the band pit to use the bathroom. And as for decoration, some churches go too far with promoting the pastor. I done seen whole wall murals of the pastor and first lady, but can't find any sign of Jesus.
  • A booming youth ministry - Kids are distracting. They make too much noise. Take them aside and let them learn about Jesus on their level. Best ones I've seen were at Seeds of Greatness in DE and Cornerstone Community Church in SC. When I say booming, I mean growing. If kids enjoy church, they will stay with it. And they will be the future leaders.
  • Diversity - I've been to plenty of churches that are all black or all white. Not bad places, but it is not that hard to blend, y'all!! Shake off the traditional mindset and open yourself up to a new experience. If you are not open to diversity then you aren't really familiar with Jesus and His way of thinking. He welcomes everyone to the table, so if your service is only focused on your cultural preference, step it up!
If all these things are happening, then I am a happy camper. I can get down with this type of ministry. Meanwhile, until I find it, me and Jesus are still homeboys. God knows I love Him more than life. I do need to step up my personal prayer and study life again. No doubt! So, if you see me in the street or on the innanets don't be scurred to check me boo! I need that accountability for real.

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Find me online...

I am realizing that I have a serious web presence and I need to put it to good use. Let's network!! Here are all the places you can find me online:

  • Twitter - philothea_ks
  • Facebook - philothea.ks
  • MySpace - philothea_ks (I rarely use this LOL)
  • Tumblr - philothea.tumblr.com (I'm new to this one)
  • Google - philothea.ks
  • www.kakemix.com/jerseygirl (the podcast)
  • YouTube - siskim621
 Hit me up and let's take these "innanets" by storm!

Friday, March 19, 2010

Lemme lemme update ya...lol...

It's funny how things can change sooner than you expect them to do so. In my last post, I was quite sad and confused. This week I am the polar opposite. When I was first going through this break up, I was told to either give it time or give up altogether. I chose to do neither. Well, I'm kinda giving things time, but not from afar.

Like I've said to him and others, it is not every day you have an easy relationship so I'm not giving up on it! We have talked a lot and clarified some things. We're still processing, but I consider us we are back together. Things will continue to progress, albeit at a slower pace.

I look at my initial reactions to this situation and laugh at myself. It could have been so much worse, but I did some rash things that I wish I hadn't. Nothing serious that I'd regret, but just silly stuff like throwing out things that remind me of him. Thankfully, my stubbornness kicked in and I realized I was not willing to just let things end.

One of the good things that has come out of all this is that I was able to see some exes for what they really are: wastes of time. I have always maintained good friendships with guys I have dated. I just don't see the point in losing the good parts of our relationships. As soon as my tears hit the floor, there were a few who swarmed in and tried to take advantage of my emotional state. When I did not give in to these advances and suggestions, they quickly fell off and carried on with their other conquests. It sucks that guys I considered friends would turn out to be so opportunistic. They had their shots with me, it obviously didn't work, so why would I yield to them now?? I gladly dismissed them.

As of right now, I am looking forward to some more travels. I will be heading down to Florida to see my momma and maybe some wonderful ladies from Twitter. Then I will be returning to Texas. Hopefully this trip will be much more enjoyable and have a happy ending.  (I'm pretty sure it will...)

Friday, March 5, 2010

Stuck Somewhere In Between

Can I be transparent with yall? It has been a long week for me. Seven days ago I ventured down to Texas to visit my boyfriend, whom I hadn't seen in over 2 months. Long distance is not the best way to maintain a relationship, but you can't help who you fall for or where they live when it happens. Little did I know that my trip would end abruptly and in heart-break.

This relationship was unlike any other from the door. We met online, but not on a dating site. I was already dating someone else, but knew it was just a matter of time before it ended. So when it did, I let this new online interest know I was available. We did all we could to make up for the distance. Thank God for Skype, BBM and priceline.com! (Okay the last one is an inside joke, but traveling was important.) After our initial in-person meeting, we decided that we definitely had something good that was worth pursuing and committing to. Though he wasn't everything I thought I wanted in a man, he definitely was everything I needed. I was willing to overlook a few little things (distance and physical flaws) in exchange for the bigger things (trust, commitment, passion). And I'm sure he thought the same about me; I'm not perfect by any means.

So for the last few months I've opened up my life and let this man inside. It's amazing the effect that commitment and hope have on one's life. I was walking on sunbeams and sliding down rainbows. Since my divorce I have been known to juggle a handful of guys at the same time, but this man had my undivided attention. And he did it all from 1700 miles away. The simple joy from knowing that someone was thinking of me, missing me, wanting to see me - it made all the difference in my life. It was obvious to everyone that knows me. I would get texts from friends asking when I was moving to Texas and if I was married yet. Of course, we were not anywhere near that level of commitment after only 4 months, but we had discussed the options of dealing with the distance often.

One of the things that was so special about this relationship to me was that we had no problems. (Distance was not a problem, just an obstacle to overcome.) We didn't argue about anything. We didn't have trust issues, though we often joked about our texting habits. And I'm not saying that simply because I was blinded by my feelings for him. We were honest with each other. We didn't let petty things bother us. I often felt inclined to be a girl and fuss about other girls texting him. But why would I bother? I was the one he spent his nights with on Skype. I knew his schedule and that when he wasn't working he was home enjoying his hobbies. He often told me, "it's all about you, babe," and I believed him.

Jumping back to the break-up, let's just say I was shocked. When I think of why my other relationships did not work out, there is always an obvious problem that could not be fixed. Of all the reasons he gave me, there was nothing valid to me (marriage and faith) or impossible to overcome with time (distance and priority). We basically broke up just because. Maybe he has reasons he couldn't tell me. I've wondered if it was something about me or something I did. Or if there was someone else who was more worth the risk. I wondered if he just got scared at how serious we were getting. My brothers and guy friends have given me all kinds of insight, and it basically boiled down to the probability that he was done with me and that was that.

Now I'm stuck somewhere in between falling in love and being broken-hearted. I'm somewhere between holding onto hope and letting it all go. It's tough to be stuck in between waiting to look like a fool and rushing to act like one. I'm in between maintaining communication just in case and deleting him from my life and saving face. I don't know what to do from here. I wish I knew how he is seemingly able to carry on like nothing has happened. Or is he stuck somewhere in between with me? Is he questioning his decision? Does he wish he could take it all back?

Since I left Texas Monday morning, I have been contacted by several of my exes. They all want to see me now that I'm single again. The attention is nice and is distracting me from my heart ache, but I'm not interested. So I will just sit here, stuck somewhere in between reality and a dream, between faith and fear, between getting all I've ever wanted and getting nothing at all.

Supporting National Women and Girls HIV/AIDS Awareness Day (NWGHAAD) on March 10th



I am working with a fantabulous woman who is a founder of the Red Pump Project in Chicago. HIV/AIDS thankfully has not affected anyone close to me, but it is an important project nonetheless. I know I can truly thank God that I have not fallen prey to this epidemic myself. I've definitely been put at risk before. So I'm doing my part to support the efforts of my friend to bring awareness to a subject that seems to be forgotten at times. Share this with your fellow bloggers!